Don't Blame Me, Blame Technology.

Last night I had an epiphany.  I was in bed listening to music from my iPod that was synced to my laptop, texting someone that I bought them a unicorn for Christmas, and reading from my Kindle.  My epiphany was not that I am great at multitasking, but that fifteen years ago I did not have any of these things and today I could not live without any of these items.  I have a high tendency of being dramatic, but my world would probably come close to crashing for about thirty minutes if any of these gadgets broke or went missing.

The obvious thing about all of these things is that they can be replaced.  I have broken a million cell phones and have survived a day or two without them.  Actually, last month my battery kept crapping out every ten minutes; being the bum I am, I just used other people's phones to harass my friends.  (Erinn C. if you are reading this, I hope you deleted all of my text messages about moon shoes.)  Two weeks ago I was in New York City and my friend's phone was going to die. I knew I was in for a New York Adventure so for safety precautions we wrote down  five phone numbers on her wrist in case we lost each other.

I sent my iPod for a swim into my bathtub, and I have had the most viruses and computer replacements out of anyone I know.  I guess if I lost my Kindle, I could just start buying books again even though books are too heavy for my feeble arms and they kill trees.  I love when I see articles in magazines about how to preserve the earth because my first thought is "publish this shit on the internet so we aren't killing trees to print this and wasting gas on delivering the magazines."  Morons.

Think of all the new gadgets you have bought over the years and how dependent you have come to be.  Can you really hold a phone conversation with the person you have a crush on or is it all texting?  I love when my friends tell me they have serious conversations with a person of interest via text or internet. Numerous friends have been broken up with via text.  Really?  A phone call couldn't suffice? Can you workout at the gym without your iPod?  A friend of mine ran a marathon without her iPod because they weren't allowed.  I think running that long without music would be more painful than the actual run.   Are you over your laptop because your iPad is so much easier to hold and commute with?  If you have said yes to any of these things, you my friend are dependent.

Let me explain the weird habit I have developed because of technology: I keep forgetting to flush the toilet.  My company moved buildings at the end of August.  I thought our old building was fine, had my desk, chair, cool people around to entertain me; even a big lawn outside for me to catch some sun in the summer.  The new building we are in is beautiful, a large atrium, desks with a million drawers, a big gym that I use frequently, but more important, state of the art bathrooms.  The bathrooms pretty much do everything for you; flush the toilet on your own, motion activated soap and water, and even a Dyson hand dryer.  The only thing you REALLY have to do is wipe yourself; and that is even optional if you're into that kind of stuff.

My mother always told me that bathroom talk is bad so I will keep it at a minimal (I remember we called it toilet talk when we were younger and sent away from the kitchen table whenever we brought up farting or pooping.)  I will just do the math for you.  If I have a glass of orange juice, three cups of green tea and fill up my emo Newbury Comics Nalgene bottle four times in  a span of nine hours, I am going to the bathroom frequently.  If I work 45 hours a week and have been in this office for about 12 weeks; that allows for a serious habit to develop called FTFTT aka Forgetting to Flush the Toilet.

Now, this isn't a serious condition, but you will definitely offend the people who let you use their bathroom.  Girls don't poop so that isn't an issue but pee really just doesn't smell great either.  My mother brought it to my attention over Thanksgiving that I was not flushing the toilet and I looked at her like she was crazy because I ALWAYS FLUSH THE TOILET.  Really though, I knew deep down I was wrong but thought "why don't you have a toilet that flushes itself?"

Today, I am more aware of whether or not I am flushing a toilet, but I am usually doing a shuffle where I am walking out of a bathroom, and walking back in to check.  I am working on my bad habit and if I do not flush the toilet at your house/apartment/wherever please don't call me out in front of people.  I never claimed to be perfect.

Below is my emo water bottle.  Someone find my old blue one.