Wrongfully Convicted

Recently at dinner, someone said they received an email asking to list 10 people that they wouldn't feel bad if  they were wrongfully convicted and sent to jail for a year.  I love this question.  I tried to bring it up in the car with my friends and some of my first choices were offensive so I put some more thought into my roster.

1. Kim Kardashian.

I used to love her.  I am still completely amazed by her butt and how she can fit into clothes but I hate her.  She is so self loathing, complains all the time, and is dating Kanye West.  I was hungover on the couch watching KUWTK and she was wearing a wig to pretend she was other people "because she has been really stressed out lately and needed to have some fun".  Okay. You're dumb.  The world would be a better place if you were put away for a year.

2. Kanye West

Nobody hates Kanye more than my mom for taking the Moon Man away from Taylor Swift at the VMAs.  My mom said maybe 40 times in the span of ten minutes "DID HE REALLY DO THAT? DID YOU SEE THAT? WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? But I like Beyonce too..."  His new song "Mercy" is garbage and gives me a headache.  He also dates Kim Kardashian and has a nauseating fashion line.

3. Joan Rivers

Joan is mean and she shouldn't be.  My friend recently tweeted at Joan for her birthday saying she doesn't like a day over 60.  I re-tweeted the both of them and told Shannon to stop lying to Joan.  No one should be famous for being mean.

4. Miranda from Sex and the City

OMFG.  If Miranda was a real person, I would keep her in jail and throw away the key.  Why?  She sabotaged Big and Carrie's wedding the first time and thought it was appropriate to go on vacation with a full blown ginger bush.


5.  The Bouncers in the Seaport

Well not really, but I really don't like how they're on a power trip and make me wait 45 minutes to get into an empty bar. 

6.  Christina Aguilera

This woman is just such a pig.  She used to be awesome back in her Genie in a Bottle days and now she is just annoying and ghetto.  She thinks her boobs hanging out are acceptable and she didn't shake Justin Bieber's hand on the voice.

I am not sure if I can finish this list because I really am not a hateful person but I'll tell you some people I am obsessed with.

1. The nurse at my doctor's office because every time I go in thinking I am plagued, she listens to me.

2. The cast from the show Girls.  Please watch

3. Big Sexy on Twitter.  Please follow. https://twitter.com/#!/ITZZ_DAT_BITCH. You won't regret it.

4. The Barefoot Contessa on Food Network.  She is really just so divine and I love watching her cook while I run at the gym.

Summer

Today is the first day of summer!  Along with today being the longest day of the year, it is also one of the hottest I have encountered since last summer.  I stepped outside of my building toying with the idea of eating outside and decided to eat inside so I would not die of heat stroke.  Apparently my roommate Sarah almost did at the beach and is now laying on a towel in our living room because our apartment is also 5,000 degrees.  I am laughing so hard thinking of her doing this.

Do you have any goals for the summer?  I actually didn't until someone suggested five minutes ago that I should make a list.  Here are a couple of things on my roster.

1.  Become the tannest person in Boston (I have a slight advantage being half Indonesian.) 

2. Buying a t shirt from Spanky's in the Cape (We're coming for you Timmy.)

3. Find a hairstyle that is chic, cute, and invincible to humidity.  I am thinking perfecting the donut bun?  This girl is so annoying but I respect her hair skillz. 

4. Make the best playlist of the summer (Sarah this is really your job.)

5. Travel.  (I am cheating because I just booked a trip to California last week.)

6. Learn how to paddle board.  I think I would look really cool doing this.  

She is one upping me.  Yoga & Paddle Boarding.  So cool.

7. Find a cure to not barfing every time I drink.

8.  Survive the Spartan Race.  I can't even do a push up or pull up so I might be in trouble.

What's a little fire?

9. Wear really cool, neon colored nail polish because I am not sure if this will be socially acceptable ever again.

My list is to be continued.

If you are ever feeling bad about yourself, watch this.

Titanic in 3D

Most movies I am okay with just seeing once.  A movie like the Black Swan is only a thriller once because you do not know the ending.  If you watch it more than once, you're just a freak who likes to see a girl suffer through schizophrenia.  I can watch Love Actually, Dark Knight, Grandma's Boy, Dumb & Dumber on repeat, but there is not much I can watch again.  When I heard Titanic was coming out in 3D, I had to see it.  Even when a commercial came on, I got little butterflies in my stomach like I saw it for the first time in third grade.

Last night my girlfriends and I drove to the movies in pure delight to see this movie.  Fours of us were running late and two were on time, so I had Mary buy my sour watermelons in case I was going to miss the beginning (which we did but thank you anyways.)

Here is my review of the movie:  the Titanic still sinks at the end, the car sex scene is just as good, it looks like Cal has eyeliner on, and 3D made me feel like I was sea sick.  Experiencing Titanic in the movie theaters was amazing, but I am not sure if it was worth $15.  I like spending time with my friends so I guess in that sense it was worth it but we didn't even get to talk.

Exaggerating.

I love when people exaggerate.  Plain and simple.  Exaggerating is a diva way to lie. Part of the story is true, but you know what the blatant lie is, and there is a point that you are clearly trying to make.  Some of my favorites...


1. When we moved into our apartment, our neighbors told us to be aware of our neighbor next door who was 150 years old.  I still laugh when I think about her being this old.  My neighbor had to put up curtains in his room because he was seeing "too much of her" in the morning.


2. "Today I had 400 million pieces of candy." (If anyone says this but me it is definitely an exaggeration)


3. "I called you 90 times." Did you really call me 90 times?  I am sure in the midst of the first 20 calls I would have noticed unless you are my 11th grade boyfriend of three weeks CT who called me 30 times on a Saturday.


4.  "There is nothing at the mall.  I tried on everything in the mall and couldn't find anything."  You know it is impossible that they did this but you get the point across.  Did you try on EVERYTHING at Hot Topic? Eddie Bauer? Lady Grace? Big & Tall?


5.  "(Insert any day of the week) was the drunkest I have ever been."  I doubt it, but please continue on with your crazy party story.


6. "I weigh as much as a car." -Jim Bove.  No way, you weigh 130 pounds soaking wet.


7. "I could eat a horse." I guess technically you could, but would you really want to?????


8.  "I just peed my pants laughing." You have a  bladder problem and you should seek medical help immediately.

"Sometimes I feel like you have to exagerate to make a story better" -Whitney Michalek


I could go on for hours.  I think some people would be offended if you called them out on exaggerating but I thoroughly enjoy it.  Don't ever stop.

A Couple of Things You Should Know Today

1. I have been fighting the urge to eat a cupcake since 8:30 am ET.

2. I wore khakis and sneakers to work today.  I understand that no words can justify this calamity.

3. I am perplexed, intrigued, and confused by Alicia Silverstone feeding her son like a bird.  Cher would not approve.

4.  Happy Birthday to my colleague Marissa. You are perfect.  Don't ever change.  

We take birthdays seriously here.

Veggie Burgers

I love making veggie burgers.  I learned the recipe from my cousin Whitney who I think took it from her dad but I am not sure.

Whitnay and Uncle Marc

This recipe made it's way to my apartment senior year of college.  This recipe is so cheap that when I had $12 in my bank account I could still eat something nutritious. These burgers are now a household name!  My friend Nat asks me once every three months for the recipe and now I believe that I have perfected it with less calories.

Ingredients:
One can of any beans (I usually use black or kidney beans)
Any vegetables - I use red onions, garlic, peppers, KALE, and even threw a tomato in last time

1.5 cups of panko bread crumbs

1. Put vegetables in a food processor until chopped up, it will look like green mush because of the kale

2. Put black beans or any beans in food processor until mush

3. Combine beans and vegetables and mix in panko bread crumbs

4. Add salt pepper garlic

5. Put in fridge for 10 minutes to harden up

6. Bake in broiler for 15-20 mins or until not mush.

You will get about six decent sized burgers and they are 175 calories each!  I used to make them with an egg but I realized if you can put this food in a processor, it will stick on its own.

Next is a healthy version of a sweet potato fry.  This isn't rocket science.  Slice up a sweet potato thinly, put them on a pan with Pam (who the hell is Pam anyways?) or whatever, sprinkle olive oil, salt, & pepper on them.  Let them cook for 20 minutes at 400 or until crisp.  If you eat half of these fries (you should get about 20 slices depending on the size of the cut and potato) but it is only around 50 calories.  If you eat them all, you're at 100 calories.  Good job.

Below is a picture of a left over veggie burger from Sunday on my salad.  Still pretty tasty!

Yum.

Picking Your Nose.

Seeking the woman on rt 6 towards hyannis from ptwon - m4w (Rt 6 cape cod)

---

Date: 2012-02-18, 9:40PM EST
Reply to: pfvxb-2858881348@pers.craigslist.org

---

You were driving with your knees using both hands to dig for what I can only describe as treasure, because I couldnt imagine anyone spending so much effort on anything else. We never actually caught eyes, since yours were too concentrated on the rear view mirror searching your nose for hanger-ons. I thought, atleast, you may have a bit of an edgy, adventurous side, since you didn't look at the road for atleast two exits. Any chick that can dig that deep in the nose...well, you know... Are you single? I don't think I saw a ring on your finger, but it was hard to tell, since I could only make out the knuckle. Maybe this is a long shot, but you've been running through my mind all afternoon.

• Location: Rt 6 cape cod
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I have realized that a lot of people pick their nose; more than I thought.  No one picks their nose more than my sister Kay.  I swear she picks her nose in her sleep and has since we were younger.  She can even flare her nostrils which she used to do all of the time to make me laugh.   I do not pick my nose because it will get my fingernails dirty and I have nose bleeds all the time.  I have picked other people's noses before though to weird them out.  Once I stuck my finger up my friend Drew's nose and we both swear I touched his brain.

Look at those nostrils.

Safety first, do not pick your nose and drive.

Then & Now.

So my friend was hooking up with this lunatic and my other friend met him and said that he looks like Buzz from Home Alone.  I lost it.  I am laughing out loud now thinking about the comparison because they both look very similar and are both really dumb.

This comparison made me want to look for Buzz and see what he looks like now.  He weirdly still looks the exact same!  Obviously just with a few more pounds on him.

Another person I looked up was Kimmy Gibbler.

I did this one a while ago but Beans from Even Steven's.  He looks like a pervert.

One more: Ferguson. 

What the hell happened to FB groups?

What the hell does Facebook think they're doing changing groups?  My friends in college made a group called "UMass Who's Who?" and whenever I am feeling down I look at this group.  Sometimes when I am walking around by myself, I think of these pictures and laugh out loud. I hope everyone is able to see this: The Best Facebook Group Ever.

Hands down the best comparison ever:

Twins.

Trying to Develop a Healthy Relationship with Kale.

I go through obsessions with food.  I really need to learn how to modify everything in my life except candy.  Spring semester senior year of college, I was obsessed with Bueno Y Sano, this mexican joint at UMass.  I knew my affair was getting out of control.  I went to order dinner there with a crush and housed a taco salad in under ten minutes.  Not okay; I was skipping class for Bueno, spending money I did not have for a delicious BBQ chicken salad and tacos. The moral of the story was that I abused my love for Mexican to a point where it made me sick just to think about it. Whenever I thought about sour cream or a fajita, I wanted to puke.  It was not until my dad begged me to go to his favorite spot in Quincy because I was the only one around.  Of course he got mad when I ordered more than two margaritas.

I have this abusive relationship with a lot of things: eggs, grape nuts, vegetable cream cheese, and Chinese food.  I still have an issue with cottage cheese since my friend in college said it looks like  a yeast infection.  I am warming up to Greek yogurt because in my mind they look VERY similar.

Yesterday while I went food shopping, I decided to pick up some kale.  My friend was extremely concerned that I was picking up this odd looking leafy green for 99 cents a pound but  my colleague has been raving about baking Kale chips. I  also read on the Lulu blog that it was a super healthy food for you. Now that I am going to Vegas in exactly two months, there is now a reason for me to whip my booty in shape.

Looks good, no?

This morning, I made a smoothie for Mary and I before we went to work.  It had about six leaves of kale, a cup of frozen raspberries, half a cup of low fat vanilla yogurt, half a banana, and a splash of OJ.  Although it looked pretty funky, the smoothie tasted pretty good!  We split the smoothie so it ended up being about 200 calories and it was filling.

I will update everyone on my venture with Kale chips.  I forgot to buy olive oil and sandwich bags yesterday at the store.  If I become addicted and obsessed with Kale, maybe I will wake up looking like Kate Upton (BTW I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT SHE IS ONLY 19!)

I should also note that my unhealthy relationship is back in full swing.  While waiting for the bus this morning, Mary and l discussed going to Papa Gayo on Thursday with our mischievous friend Jim.  Everything is amazing.  I am obsessed with their taco salad.  I am a bit concerned that they do not have hard shells but I can do without the calories.

Lent

After third grade, I loved sleeping over my friends' house.  As much as I loved my family, there was nothing better than walking into someone else's pantry and having a whole different variety of snacks.  My friend Merry had and still has the best pantry ever.  Sometimes in college when I knew she was home, I would just sleep at her house without visiting my family to reap the benefits of Mr. and Mrs. Yasek buying food for an army when in reality it is actually just the two of them living at home.

We started the booty shots way before they were cool on Facebook.

There was nothing worse growing up than having to be picked up early from a sleepover because I had to go to church.  Seriously, thinking about getting up earlier than my friends and waiting for my dad or mom outside in our maroon minivan (I am laughing so hard thinking about them driving that...thank God I crashed it) makes me cringe.  I remember once I let my friend put at least 40 braids in my hair and I accidentally overslept so I had to go to church looking like an Asian Whoopi Goldberg.

Ready for 9:00 am Church

As time went on, my parents, specifically my mother because I could convince my dad to let me do anything, stopped hounding us to go to church.  Some days I contemplate going to church to repent for my sins but I have not been to a mass since someone died or a wedding.  The last time I went to an Easter Mass, a woman's hair caught on fire Michael Jackson style.  The last Christmas Eve Mass my family went to, someone farted and it vibrated the bench so my sister and I laughed the whole hour.

Although I may not attend church regularly, I still like giving up something up for Lent.  For my Jewish audience, Lent requires you to give up something you like/abuse for 40 days.  I could get more into why but I really do not want to.  I contemplated giving up fried food but then realized that Sullies opened this past weekend and thought I really would be screwing myself over.  I then thought I would give up candy but then I ate my friend's leftover candy yesterday which is actually pretty pathetic.  As if I am not already going to hell, I realized that these were two selfish things to give up.  Of course, in a sense this is something I am giving up because I love them both, but I am doing it for a selfish reason.  I am giving up both because I want to lose weight so I would be benefiting from this anyways.

I once tried to give up bagels and my roommate came back from New York with bagels, at one point I had two a day!!  The year before, my friends and I gave up alcohol for lent.  It was probably the weirdest time of my life.

We are actually all sober.

I have thought of a list of things that people should never give up for lent.

1. Shaving their armpits
2. Showering
3. Reading my blog
4. Cutting their finger nails
5. Brushing their teeth

Bad habits that people could nip in the bud.

1. Compulsively updating your status on Facebook.  We don't care that you're working out, going to work, sitting in traffic, eating dinner, showering, and going to bed by 10 pm.  We actually all are too and just aren't talking about it.
2. Picking their nose, I saw someone at Coach picking their nose this weekend and then touched a bag.  I almost fell over.
3. Not waiting for people to exit the bus and train before entering.  Why can you not wait 30 seconds?    I promise that the train and bus isn't going anyways, even if Big Eyes is driving. One of my biggest pet peeves.

Happy Friday!

I have not blogged in over two weeks!  The past couple of weeks have been hectic; I am not sure if the dust is settling anytime soon, but I have so much to say...

First of all, I am obsessed with Katy Perry's new song "Part of Me."  Russel Brand who?  I am accidentally listening to it on repeat and I think I am getting so many looks on the train.  If you have not heard it yet (are you living under a rock?) Here is the video:

Here is my rant.  I do not think it is nice to trash talk, but after watching the Grammy's this past week, I really do not like Kelly Osbourne.  Now that she has lost all of this weight, she dyes her hair gray and purple, hangs out with Joan Rivers (can we stop her from going on TV? I don't like looking at her plastic face), and makes fun of people and their clothes on E!.  Kelly!! Why are you doing this?  It is so hypocritical, let me remind you of who you used to be.

No Caption Needed.

Of course there were hideous outfits on the red carpet but I can't believe she makes money talking about them.

How can you be so mean?

I am also very sad about the death of Whitney Houston.  She had great songs that my friends and I jammed to on the ride home from Alumni Weekend this year.  I am confused about why they lowered the flag for her funeral though.  Bobby is from Dorchester (ya!) so should I feel like I have a connection to Whit?  I hope there is no correlation to drug abuse here even though she was aging like crazy because of crack.  She was only 48! 

RIP Whitnay

As someone who is half Asian, I would also like to give it up to Jeremy Lin!  It just makes me laugh thinking about an Asian being good at basketball.  My friends in high school used to call me Yao Ming when I had a seven inch growth spurt.  The only thing I was good for was lay ups and giving concussions.

Yaa!!

I have not posted a recipe since the first time I did it (woops.)  Last week was my best friend's baby shower that I helped plan.  One of the big things that we did was put together a dessert table with different desserts for people to try.  Because Mary and I are not good bakers, we went with an easy go to of chocolate covered pretzels and Oreo balls.  After being forced to take four shots of tequila and drinks beers, Mary and I were still able to execute a good tasting, not really pretty oreo ball.

Ingredients: Two packs of cream cheese, one pack of Oreos, chocolate (milk and white) to melt.

1. Let cream cheese soften (going out for drinks made this easy)
2. Put both packs of cream cheese in a bowl
3. Crush up oreos (I would recommend putting them in a food processor if you have one)
4. Mix cream cheese and Oreos together
5. Roll out balls about an inch diameter on a non stick pan and put in the refrigerator for an hour
6. Once the balls are firm, melt the chocolate in the microwave or over the oven (do not burn!) and dip them!
7. Put back in the fridge until you think they are good to go

Voila! You have a delicious dessert :-)  Ours kind of looked like what my dog Cooper leaves behind in the yard when he has a stomach ache, but we got great reviews!

I have been lazy about posting pictures, but I will post more pictures from the baby shower soon!

Last but not least, can you please like this link of Facebook?   https://www.facebook.com/HyundaiHopeOnWheels.  Hyundai is donating $5 for every like on their page and it is going to an organization of your choice!  All are great choices and I am a big fan of the Jimmy Fund.  They saved my roommate's niece's life and they need the money to conduct more research to save more lives.  All you have to do is click!

O YA

Looking to spice up your weekend?  Burger King is giving away free onion rings all weekend!  My friend Mike and I are driving to six of the surrounding Burger Kings to get our fix. FREE ONION RINGS!

I don't like people who say they hate fast food because deep down everyone loves it.

In college, my roommate Heather and I would tell our roommates we were going to the gym and we would eat at BK.  Normal.

Things I Want to Buy on Friday...

All of this crazy weather is making me look forward to the spring and summer.  Below are some items that I am definitely adding to my closet in the near future...

1.  Satchel!  Coach is starting to introduce their Spring Collection and updated their Willis bag.  I work here part time (so I am biased) but I am head over heels in love with this bag in vermillion.  This bag wins my heart over because of the laziness factor that I can just throw it on and not have to worry about carrying it.  It is also a great size where it can carry essentials plus a little more.  Also, I usually stick to basic colors and this will add a little pop to any outfit.   

Da Willis

2. Red Jeans and Pants!  Maybe I am more into color than I thought.  I know colored jeans have been out for a while.  I have seen teeny boppers running around in them already.  Whatever.  I want them.  Nothing screams "Look at me" like a pair of red pants.  I have seen beautiful red pants at Express. Check 'em out

Even Fergie, an ex meth addict, looks great.

Speaking of Fergie, she has been coming up on my playlist at the gym and I have been really enjoying her.

   

3. Nautical Stripes!  I recently opened up my bottom drawer and saw that I had nine or ten striped shirts.  I think my mom got me three for Christmas; Kathy never strays away from things that she knows I love.   Even the LA Times is saying they are essential for the spring (LA Times)  Loft has this really cute dress that I have been eyeing since December.  I need to just buy it.  Rugby Dress

How cute?!

4. TOMS!  I need a pair for my trek to and from work.  Plus, every pair you buy, a pair of shoes goes to a child in a third world country.  My inner diva wants a pair of glitter TOMS, but I will settle for maybe a tan pair that I will for sure destroy in under five times of wearing them.  I really want these....

Look at that sparkle!

5. Lulu Lemon!  I could not talk about the spring and summer without not bringing up the elephant in the room that I need to get my ass in gear.  This week has been an all time low for my eating.  I started a food journal in December and this week has been so bad I decided to not even report what I ate (I know this contradicts the point of keeping a journal.)  Between yoga and forcing myself to do some road races, I think I need some new gym bling.  For yoga, I feel like I will be a goddess while in downward dog: Lulu Top.  In theory, I love these for running but I don't know if Lulu is equipped for an ass my size; I suppose there is only one way to find out: Running Shorts.  I was going to post a really ugly picture of me from my half marathon last year but I do have some pride...

I mentioned last year that I do not talk about sports but GO PATRIOTS!  I met Tom Brady when I was a senior a high school.  I actually rang up his groceries...a couple of things about Tommy: He has massive hands, owns a skull bracelet, is even sexier in person, and his sister looks just like him, and not in a good way.  He also like honey roasted turkey and a crisp apple.

My favorite picture of us together

Happy Friday!!

Picking Kay Smith's Brain.

Kay is a junior at Framingham State University where she plays basketball.  Kay used to have a band called Koffey but they never actually made music and also had dreads for about six months.  Kay loves sushi, chocolate milk, and cheese doodles.

Q. Please state your name for the record.
A. Kathleen "Clavis" Patricia Smith

Q. What is your most prized possession?
A.  I've had Polar Bear since I was four. He was a gift from Liz O'Neil. I still have him to this day on my bed.  When Fozzy ripped him I remember having a slight anxiety attack and probably cried so much.

Q. I remember when Mom performed surgery.  How does it feel to be the favorite child?

A. It's a gift if anything, Dad loves me and Mom loves me. I can do whatever the hell I want and get away with it. Normally if I do something bad, somehow you get yelled at. It's wonderful, but what would I do if I didn't have you? You're the only one who can piss of Mom and Dad the most and make me laugh.

Q. What is your favorite family memory?

A.   My favorite family memory was watching Brian run in the triathlon. We were standing at the finish line when that guy running looked at me, then you, then looked at Sarah and immediately vomited everywhere. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard.  

Q.  If you were a couch, what kind would you be? 

A.  A love seat because it has enough space to lie down on, enough space for  two asses to sit on; if need be, squeeze a third. It would be brown. I'd definitely be a leather couch; the fart smell won't linger for long. With cotton, the smell always lingers, especially when you lie down.

Q.  What was your favorite show growing up? What is it now? 

A.  My favorite show growing up was probably All That. I remember the Corn, Lori Beth Dinberg (reminds me of you and your vital information for my everyday life), Kenan, Kel, Josh, Amanda Bynes (remember "Moody's Point"?)  Now I'd probably say either Family Guy, The Sarah Silverman Program, or Gangland. I love watching it on the couch when I'm home with Ma and the dogs. Peter is probably one of the stupidest people I've ever met, Sarah Silverman is the most racist yet politically correct, and Gangland always has chulos on it.

Q. What is your favorite Halloween candy?  

A. My favorite candy is probably candycorn, it is so addictive and it's a great way to stay in shape.

Q. If you were stranded on an island, what five things would you bring to have forever?

A.  Polar Bear, Mom, a blanket, a book, and probably Smart Food popcorn.

Q.  Who was your favorite teacher and why? 

A.  My favorite teacher that i've ever had was Ms. Sullivan for 5th grade English. For one thing, you told me trinket was underwear then I asked her what it was, and she immediately corrected me. She always started out class saying "Okay guys! open up your organizers!" extra emphasis on the r's.  She was always so sweet, introduced me to the Chronicles of Narnia. You once told her you couldn't do work because your eyebrows hurt which I admired very much. Also remember Ms. McCarthy from first grade, and if she was ever mad she'd move her tongue around in her mouth like she was trying to get peanut butter off her teeth?

Q.  Would you rather wake up with an ass the size of a book shelf or hands so big they made your arms tired? 

A.  Uh bookshelf ass. I'd be a walking legend, and with my ass that big I might as well make my body that big to keep some sort of proportion. I'd eat anything I'd want.

Q. Please talk about your life threatening experience this summer.

A.   The bicycle crash: I was on my way to tutoring, and I knew something was going to be different when I decided to cross Gallivan Blvd. by Magdala Street. I thought I had time to get across, the street, but the cars were coming the other way which kept me strattling in the middle of the road for longer. All of a sudden I turned around and saw the cars speeding up behind me. One white van swerved around me and I thanked god it didn't hit me, but then the damn Camry behind it side swiped me and then me and the bike rolled around together on the road. After this, I had the courage to get up and walk my scraped ass onto the side of the road by Craig Reynold's street. At least five cars slowed down and said "Are you okay?". I have a scar on my shoulder, a scar on my left knee, and my hand looked like someone tried to crucify me.

Q. Speaking of Jesus, what is your favorite church hymn and memory?
Church hymn: Children of God, in one family, loved by God in one family, and no matter what we do, God loves me and God loves you! or the "Lord gahhhhhhhhhd, heavenly kingggggggggggg". Favorite memory was gathering together with all the wrong people at St. Gregory's church for Easter Vigil.  A black lady's hair caught on fire because she had too much hairspray in it. Kitty screamed and Patsy said "I didn't know Michael Jackson came here."  Robyn was there too, who is atheist.

Q.  Would you rather wake up next to R. Kelly or in a Ford Taurus? 
A.  OMG next to R. Kelly the Ford Taurus is the ugliest car created known to man.  I'd rather be peed on.

Q.  What is the most annoying thing I can do to anyone in our family?
A. Talk. When you ask questions, aka "dad questions" I know your main purpose is to make someone mad. But as history shows, you made dad really mad about riding in the cars "with the window down" and you killed Snowflake when you rapped about her in front of her face. I was in the basement with you, and it was funny.

Q. Any last things you would like to leave us with? Any words of widsom? 
A.  If the food smells funky, it's going to taste funky. It smells how it tastes. RIP Britt Murph.

MASH

On Monday night, my roommates and I were sitting around the kitchen table chitchatting.  Somewhere between sending emails and Sarah playing TLC, we decided to play the game MASH.  If you are a girl, you have definitely played MASH anywhere from third to eight grade.  I probably played it in high school too.  Mary was a weird child growing up in her large marge khakis and thought that Sarah and I were talking about the TV show M*A*S*H (she suffers severely from only child syndrome.)

Right away, Sarah busts out a pen and paper and we go to town to determine Mary's fate.  Below are the categories for MASH:

1. What are you living in? You can choose from: Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House (hence where the name came from.) I was never really concerned about what I was living in except for if it was in a shack. This might explain why I am apathetic about not having a dishwasher in my apartment right now.

2. Who are you marrying?  Growing up it was all about celebrities like Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Justin Timberlake, Kevin from Back Street Boys, or my brother's friend Ed.  Ten years later though, you cannot have all of your dream men on the roster.  When I played in middle school, I usually wrote down one weird kid in our class (I am thinking of one who ate glue for fun and one had white stuff all of his face from his fluff sandwiches.)  Even on Monday, I gave Sarah the worst roster of people ever, of course she wasn't happy with me.  Mary ended up marrying a food runner that we had an interesting encounter with on Friday.  Fate is fate.

3. What will your career be?  I wish this game was partially real because I have no idea what I want to do with my life.  Mary ran into our apartment yesterday and decided that we will open a gym called 195; she will be a personal trainer, I will be a yoga instructor, my sister will be our nutritionist, Sarah will be our DJ/nurse, and Erinn will be our Zumba teacher.  I love this idea.  I also love the idea of sitting in Paris, smoking a cigarette (even though I don't smoke), wearing fashionable clothes, and writing about something cool.  I think Sarah's option for fate on Monday were Chief RN at MGH (which she will be someday), a trash picker, a host at Pizzeria Regina (which she would secretly love), and something else.  Sarah's fate was that she will be working at Pizzeria Regina.

Peace Pizza by Sarah Regina

4. How many kids will you have?  Before I get into the subject of MASH, you should know that Pfizer called back the birth control Lo/Ovral-28 (norgestrel and ethinyl estradiol) Tablets and 14 lots of Norgestrel and Ethinyl Estradiol Tablets (generic) today saying that it might not prevent pregnancy.  Because of contraception, we can usually control how many kids you want to have unless you get IVF and end up popping out quadruplets when all you wanted was one kid.

5.  What car will you be driving?  My favorite "car" to write for my friends when I was younger was a grocery cart.  I have always been such a great friend.  If anyone wants to buy me a car, I would love an eco friendly BMW X5.  My MASH on Monday said I was going to have multiple kids so I will settle for a Volvo SUV.  Thank you.

6. Where will you live?  Boston, Miami, LA, and the Mexican border.  You better hope that MASH does not put you on the border. If you end up there, suck it up, you get to enjoy tacos and margaritas! YOLO. 

After all of these categories are picked, the person who wrote everything down has to make marks on the paper until the person's who fate is being decided says stop.  From there, you can be living in a shack, married to Beans from Even Stevens, working at a car wash, with six kids, driving an VW shaggin' wagon, in Toronto.  Who ever told you that you decide your own fate lied.  It is all about MASH.

Craigslist Postings

This mustache says business.

OCEANSTATE JOB LOTS - m4w - 47 (PEABODY)

---

Date: 2012-01-30, 6:41PM EST
Reply to:

---

TO THE SEXIE VERY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE CASHIER [ LISA ] . I CAME N ABOUT 12;30 SATURDAY THE 31 DEC , WITH MY SON AND YOU WERE STANDING IN LINE BEHINDE THE CUSTOMERS TO CLOSE THAT REGISTER OFF WITH THE CHAIN. I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE N IM ALWAYS CHECKING YOU OUT WHEN I GO IN THERE, I WISH I WASNT SO SHY LOL I WOULD TELL YOU TO YOUR FACE HOW ATTRACTIVE YOU ARE. IM VERY SERIOUS, I FIND YOU EXTREMLY ATTRACTIVE ESP WHEN YOU WEAR THOSE HIGH BOOTS MIKE XO HAPPY NEWYEAR B-SAFE

• Location: PEABODY
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2826493748

Seems like a catch.

snuffaluffagus - m4w

---

Date: 2012-01-25, 11:00PM EST
Reply to:

---

You: Beautiful, could be emo, probable psychobitch.
Me: Lonely, alcoholic, chronic masturbator

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2818549494

Someone with a Zoosk account help this man out.

WINK WINK - m4w - 47 (02744)

---

Date: 2012-01-20, 2:40AM EST
Reply to:

---

Hi your name is Ocean1177 on zoosk, your from Vineyard Haven, MA, I got your note but I am not a paying member so I can't respond, I hope you see this and write to me here

• Location: 02744
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2808858419

Who was da best booty shaka?

Shake Your Booty ... - m4w - 42 ( Foxwoods )

---

Date: 2012-01-17, 2:36PM EST
Reply to:

---

... all night long. Let's do it again ..

• Location: Foxwoods
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2804670948