Open Mouth Boy

Have you ever walked by yourself and thought of something funny and laugh out loud?  Today on the train at 7:50 am I was laughing so hard to myself that I knew this was a story I had to share.

One Saturday night, sophomore year of college, I decided that I would step up to the plate and be the designated driver.  I knew my stunt of drinking early and not being able to drive was getting old with my friends and giving up one night every blue moon isn't so bad.  My go to move was just to drink a Red Bull or carry a Fuze bottle and tell everyone I was wasted.  No one can actually tell when I am drunk, sadly unless my eyes are rolling to the back of my head, I think I appear more normal when I am drunk than sober.

This was me at the party actually sober.

The party was in the basement of a house on Hobart lane.  Of course this meant there were a million people squished into probably 400 sq ft and a fog machine stinking up the place.  A random thought - I always hated but thought it was funny when someone farted at parties like this because it is one of the meanest things you could do to a lot of people at once.  It actually ended up being really fun but of course the 12:30-1:00 am boomboom mood was being set.  Everyone was drunk, horny, getting tired, so hook ups are doomed to happen.  Even now, I love making bets on who is shagging who at the end of the night.  I don't think alcohol is a good excuse for irresponsible actions but it is very entertaining when you get to watch everything go down.

Saying this, I actually have no excuse for my actions other than bad judgement.  My friend (who will not be named) and I met two boys that we thought were really cute.  Of course after ten minutes of small talk, I am making out with this boy who I thought was your average UMass Joe.  After watching my friend and her boytoy drunk grind and make out on the basement floor; mah gurlz and I knew it was time to head back to campus.

Mah gurlz & I (Look at mine and Nat's kissy face!)

As we were walking into our dorm, we saw the two boys that my friend and I had sucked face with in Hobart.  It turned out that they lived in our dorm (living in a dorm with 23 floors this was normal to not know everyone) so we ended up hanging out with them when we got back.  I cannot recall how everything went into play, but my make out buddy ended up in my room and all of my friends vanished.

With the lights on, this kid was a drunk weirdo, who could not keep his mouth closed.  His sentences were jumbled, his eyes were blood shot, but worst of all he just kept making weird kissy faces with his open mouth to me.  I could be mistaken but I swear he was wearing Sketchers sneakers.  Instantly, I was confused on how I let this happen soberly. This kid would not leave my dorm; I don't think it was because he was being forward but because he was so drunk.  What was I supposed to do?  First thought: grab my two friends who were across the hall and have them look at the weirdo that was lounging on my futon, ready to have sexy time with me.  After laughing for about five minutes, we decided to grab our BFF Carlos to save me.  He said to go back into my room and give him five minutes.

For the longest of what I thought was five minutes (three hundred seconds), I chatted with Open Mouth Boy with a five foot distance in between us.  Just when I thought I was going to have to tell this kid I really wasn't interested and the basement was dark so I made a mistake, there was a huge bang on the door.  Carlos is banging on the door screaming "Who are you in there with? Who are you in there with?"  I really did not know what he was actually doing because I just told him I was in the room with the a boy who had the exact opposite of lock jaw.  I open the door, and there stands Carlos in his boxers (with Heather and Lindsay behind him) and a beer in his hand saying "I gave you my heart, now you have it across the hall with another dude.  If you gon' talk to dudes, Imma talk to other bitches."  Not only did Carlos scare Open Mouth Boy, I think it actually sobered him up.  OMB put on his Sketchers and back pack full of probably Busch Lites and went back to his dorm.   I am eternally grateful for Carlos for what he did.

I think after this incident, I saw OMB boy about four times on campus until I graduated.  Every time we saw him, Heather made sure to lay it into me that I made out with a boy who ate flies all the time.  I digress.  My friend actually ended up sleeping over OMB's friend's dorm and left her shoes there.  She never got them back.  Friend&Lizzy 0 - HobartPartyBoys - 0 + pair of girl shoes.

This picture was another night but it just makes me LOL.  Why did no one ever tell me the duck was a bad look?